Eurovision post-mortem

Hey, so the UK came last at Eurovision. I'm disappointed, but not surprised.

Here are the facts. 41 countries failed to award the UK with a single point on Saturday. That doesn't mean the UK received no televotes in those 41 countries, however. As we know, all it means is that the UK song wasn't in the Top 10 most popular songs (out of the 25 performed in the final) in any of those countries. If *you* voted for the UK this year, chances are your vote meant nothing.

Most popular is key. I'm not going to comment *too* much about the quality of the songs because I have said time and time again that, with the advent of televoting and the demise of the jury, there is no such thing as a "best" song in this competition anymore. Eurovision is all about what people like and therefore arguing about the quality of the songs is completely missing the point.

Another fact is that the BBC has been a gargantuan and unflinching supporter of the Eurovision Song Contest over the years, both in terms of airtime and, most importantly, in £££s. It's not the reason why the BBC pledges so much cash, but you might know that this gives us "Big Four" status, which earns us a place directly in the final every year. I'm not sure if that's supposed to give us an advantage but, either way, it clearly doesn't. So, for what other reason should the BBC pledge as much as it does? Because the UK loves competing in Eurovision? Well does it, anymore? Frankly, I think the appeal has long since faded, but disappeared the instant every songwriter in the UK realised that... oh that's right... song quality stands for nothing in this contest.

I don't think anyone in the UK, including Terry Wogan, is complaining about not winning so it's not really sour grapes, per se. However, it's clearly obvious that the competition is not on an equal footing anymore. Some people say it *never* was but I don't see how that's an argument for doing nothing about it today.

So, what's the solution? Well, I am not sure there *is* one, really. All I know is that bloc voting only became really evident when the semi-final(s) arrived and, suddenly, all competing countries were allowed to vote in the final, regardless of whether or not they performed in the final. I also think it's time to stop *telling us* which country voted for which song, which is an exercise that only succeeds in drawing attention to voting bias that naturally and understandably exists in the world. Finally, let's make the winner Europe's decision and make every single vote count.

I started this post by saying that I wasn't at all surprised by the UK's placing in the contest - and that should be the EBU's biggest concern of all. Being able to predict its own ranking, year after year, is a would-be death knell for every competing country in Eurovision. Believe me, if the UK won it every year I'd get just as bored with the eventual outcome and I'd be complaining about it just as much as I am right now. After all, where's the fun in competing if you always know you're going to win, or always know you haven't got a hope?

Eurovision Crack

Blimey, it's been months since I did one of these. And, oh Lordi, it's that time of year again - time for the Grand Prix Eurovision de la Chanson! Which, if you ask me, calls for several hits of Eurovision crack - or is that Eurovision cack? You decide...


Oh flip, it's Bardo! Back in 1982, Bardo had a hell of a lot to prove, after Bucks Fizz romped home to the winning post the year before. And, clearly, the UK's "Song for Europe" jury thought more of the same was the order of the day. This was back in the day of jury voting you see, plus live bands replacing the backing track and an audience full of doddering old codgers in tuxedos clapping four times after each performance. It's all so tame in comparison to today's flag wavers and pissheads, isn't it?


In the first of our "we woz robbed" entries, it's Sonia! Eleven years after the Bardo entry, she took Better The Devil You Know to Millstreet, Ireland and came second. In one of the most nailbiting voting segments that I can remember, the UK was neck and neck with Ireland for pretty much the whole of the voting - until the UK gave Ireland 12 points, which put them ahead for the remainder of the night. Oh well! Despite enjoying a less than stellar career since, Sonia should be rightly proud of her completely perfect live vocal performance here. Which is more than I can say for these next guys...


Oh dear, in 2003 the whole of the UK was completely mortified by the awesome tragedy that was Jemini. Okay, as it happened, most people didn't give a stuff, but that hasn't stopped the group and their song, Cry Baby, going down in the annals of Eurovision history forever. You see, in 2003, the UK came last. In fact, what was thought to be impossible happened - we scored a big fat nothing. The dreaded nul points. You could have blamed it on any number of things, if you wanted to. The song was rubbish. They couldn't sing for toffee. The girl had thunder thighs. But none of it mattered. All that remained was that our reign as a Eurovision force to be reckoned with was well and truly over and things would never be the same again.


Crikey. It's that bird off Eastenders, innit? Back in 1991, Samantha Janus took a song about tackling world poverty and promoting universal peace to Rome. It's safe to say that A Message To Your Heart wasn't the greatest song in Europe on the night, however, and it limped home in joint tenth place. But that doesn't stop it being a classic Eurovision performance for two reasons, i.e. (1) those vocals which, bless 'er, sound like a warped 7-inch record and (2) one of the most memorable staging "concepts" in Eurovision history. Brilliant.


Hey, I call this one the "would have won it if we'd entered it" song and -blinkin' 'eck, literally leaping off the stage is none other than Deuce! All hail Deuce and their ridiculously brilliant "kitsch goes classic" get up!!! In 1995, the BBC tried to make Eurovision cool again by renaming "Song for Europe" as The Great British Song Contest and having the competing entrants perform on the Top of the Pops stage. Deuce competed against the likes of Samantha Fox and umpteen other no-names and finally came third in the competition - leaving the atrocious Love City Groove to represent us that year in Ireland.


If there's a UK Eurovision entry most worthy of a "we woz robbed" award, it's this one. In 1996, the mighty Gina G took Ooh.. Aah... Just a Little Bit - one of the greatest pop songs of all time [I am not exaggerating in the slightest, the song rules and that's all there is to it] - to Norway and came, er... eighth? In another horrendous travesty, this left Ireland to win the contest for about the millionth time that decade with one of the dullest ballads known to humankind. Oh well, Gina had the last laugh as the record was a huge hit all over the world and the first UK Eurovision entry to get to No.1 for something like fifteen years.


Woo-hoo! In today's only "They woz robbed" entry, it's MeKaDo and the German song from the 1994 contest, Wir Geben 'Ne Party. In our drunken household at least, this was the real winner of the contest, thanks to a brilliant and unintentionally hilarious stage performance that left all of us in stitches. Check out the drummer at 1:59, for example. Or the daft lyric translations - "Come on, let's do what gives fun and pleasure". In the end, it came third, only to lose to... you guessed it, Ireland. A Pop injustice of gargantuan proportions if ever there was one.


After the UK was victorious in 1997, it was the BBC's turn to host the contest in 1998. Imaani took Where Are You to the Birmingham National Indoor Arena and put on a performance worthy of a second consecutive win for the UK. And, for a while, it looked like she was going to manage it. Alas, we ended up losing to Israel's Dana International at the last possible minute. Nonetheless, this is still completely brilliant and memorable, and the 1998 show (despite its rather lacklustre staging) remains one of my most favourite Eurovisions from recent times.


So, I'll leave you with this year's UK hopeful, Andy Abraham and his song Even If which rightly won the "Eurovision - Your Decision" contest earlier this year. Whether we'll score anything more than a handful of points is anyone's guess, although if I was a betting man I would be putting my money on either the Turkish, Russian, Ukrainian or Serbian entries. But since I can't vote for the UK, tonight I'll be supporting the Swedish entry, which is a perfect Europop extravaganza and very worthy of a win. Saying that, go Andy go!

X static

I have been high as a kite ever since KylieX2008 kicked off in Paris last Tuesday. I wasn't in the audience, but I might as well have been. Within seconds of the Minoguester arriving on stage, the evidence literally exploded all over the internet. The message board on kylie.com practically went into meltdown. There was a battle for supremacy on Wikipedia as fans and vandals published (and re-published) the set list, as it happened (or in fact, didn't). Awesome pictures appeared on Getty Images within instants and the text hotline from the lovely High Camp Caress Morell promised cheerleaders, samurai, and er... Copacabana. It was all completely mental and, of course, utterly utterly amazing.

I'd spent the previous few weeks boring all of my friends to death with my set list ideas. "Oooh, I bet it'll open with The One. There'll be a section called Holiday in Ibiza and they'll mash up Holiday with Wow," I babbled. "There'll be an 80s punk section! Like a Drug mashed with Fade to Grey!! With drag queens!!!"

Not one of my predictions came true. And neither did those who jumped the gun and posted fake setlists on Wikipedia throughout the show. At one stage, the list was being updated every 60 seconds. Not that it wasn't inspired stuff. [Fake entries included No More Rain/Chocolate Rain/It's Raining Men, a cover of Love is a Battlefield, Jump/Breathe, Love at First Sight vs. Love at First Sight '88 and even an entire section called Suspended in Time.] But when someone added The Birdie Song to the list, we all knew we were being had.

By morning, videos had started to appear on YouTube and a few things became clearer. There's seven acts, including "Xlectro Static" - the show's awesome opener (see below) and not including the encore. Cheer squads. Starry Nights. Beach parties and Loveboats. No Devil. No Confide In Me. And a manga geisha section that'll have Madonna fans spitting with venom [yes, I know Madge has done manga on tour before, but Kylie did geisha before Madge so it really doesn't make an effing bit of difference, alright?]

Anyway, I'll leave you with this sneaky peak at Speakerphone, which opens the show and, quite simply, promises to be utterly awesome when it hits Glasgow on July 5th.

An apology to Madonna

You know if there is one thing that Madonna is worried about more than anything else, it's what I think of her. So, with that in mind, I probably owe her a bit of an apology.

The thing is, I haven't been a very big supporter of her latest foray into R&B and Hip-Hop music. [I say "latest" of course, 'cos Madge has had dabblings loads of times before but suddenly they don't seem to matter.]

So what's been upsetting me about all this? Well, it's not because Madonna's jumping on a bandwagon - Madonna's always jumped on bandwagons, after all. I'm more annoyed that it's such an *obvious* bandwagon, however. We're used to Madonna influencing the musical direction of the charts, not being shaped by it. Madonna shouldn't *need* to make an album full of "featuring so-and-so" collaborations. More to the point, Madonna shouldn't need to make a record with Justin freakin' Timberlake.

And yet, I like it. '4 Minutes' completely deserves to be Number 1. I expected to hate it, but I don't. Same goes for the album. Expected to hate it. I really don't. In fact, I think it's awesome.

Sorry Madonna, I should have had more faith in you.

Hard Candy is fun. That's my initial impression of the whole thing. It's not as obviously Hip-Hop as they'd like you to believe, which is a good thing. It's definitely less pretentious - and much more danceable - than "American Life" and probably even less up its own arse than some of "Confessions on a Dance Floor" [which, remember, I played until the box cracked and the CD near melted].

The thing to remember is, it may be a ::shudder:: Timbaland / Neptunes / Timberlake production but the uniting element through the whole affair is undoubtedly the Madonna production. It's very much a Madonna album, make no mistake. What's new, however, is that whilst some of her albums peter out towards the end, this one never really jumps the shark. From "She's Not Me", in fact, the disc is consistently brilliant, right up until the very last track. Other standout tracks include "Heartbeat", "Miles Away" and "Dance 2Night". And "Devil Wouldn't Recognize You" is simply a future Madonna epic waiting to happen.

Sorry Madge - you're really quite good, aren't you? I'll try to never forget it.

Aye eye

Oh dear, how unattractive am I? Since the weekend I have been lumbered with the most almighty eye infection. I am not sure that this excuses my terrible hair and gormless expression in this photograph, but it certainly explains me looking as though someone has punched me in the face. In fact, I am going to start telling people that it's all because I have been fighting. They'll think I'm soooo hard.

Last Resorts

You know, it's been ages since I did a Jem review. They normally take ages to write and no bugger other than me bothers to read them but, hey, since I've been on holiday I'm jolly well gonna do one anyway.

And what an awesome episode it is too. In fact, it's my favourite single-part Jem story of all time and it's got pretty much everything that made the show completely brilliant, all in one episode. I'm talking about soap opera-esque love triangles! Bitchy repartee and catfights between Jem and Pizzazz [this time with snowballs]! Kick-ass songs! Malfunctioning holograms! Jem in mortal danger every two minutes! This episode is bloody awesome and that's all there is to it.

It's no surprise that 'Last Resorts' is written by the number two writer at Jem, Roger Slifer. For the record, he and Christy Marx - the show's creator - wrote *all* the greatest Jem episodes. The animation is especially lovely in this episode too which is an added bonus. [For whatever reason, the Roger Slifer episodes are all drawn by the best of the animation houses that Sunbow used when producing the show - something that he himself noticed and speaks about in one of the DVD commentaries.]

Anyway, we all know that truly outrageous pop stars live a really hotshot life, full of fabulous fashions, video shoots, film scripts and - it was inevitable - skiing holidays. So after having toured the universe for what seems like an eternity, Jem and The Holograms are off on a ski resort vacation. Workaholic Jem is feeling guilty about the break and wants to spend *more* time practicing their next outrageous hit song, but The Holograms are having none of it. Kimber, in particular, has no intention of work and - true to character - plans to spend the whole week focusing all her energies on whatever handsome talent is around at the time.

When they arrive at the resort, however, the place is like the Marie Celeste and that's when they learn that the resort owner, Rick Franklin, has been having a bit of trouble lately. It turns out that there's been a spate of suspicious accidents at the resort which has meant that paying customers have been like rats deserting a sinking ship. Now Franklin is having trouble paying his mortgage and his evil banker is waiting with baited breath to repossess the entire resort and close the place down for good.

Unperturbed by all of this [Spate of accidents? Pah! Bring it on, etc!] Jem and The Holograms are soon heading for the slopes for some serious ski action. Except, guess who else is vacationing at a rival resort? Yes, it's The Misfits, who have even brought their old friend Clash along for the ride. Needless to say, the horrid Misfits are soon throwing snowballs, calling Jem and The Holograms nasty names, upsetting all of Franklin's remaining guests and generally wreaking havoc everywhere they go.

Jem has decided she's had enough of this and decides to confront The Misfits. However, in a completely brilliant scene (and a completely rare one), Jem and Pizzazz come face-to-face with each other, alone and ready for a fight. And Pizzazz wins! Before long she's joined by the rest of The Misfits and they all bully Jem by pelting her with snowballs.

However, a knight in shining ski-goggles soon comes to Jem's rescue. His name's Swenson and he's the resort's ski instructor - all swedish good looks, blond hair and muscles. Flirty fickle Jem is typically mesmerised and, unsurprisingly, Rio's not one bit happy about it. But Jem doesn't give two hoots and chooses to take advantage of Rio's ignorance by reminding him that his girlfriend is actually Jerrica. [Yes, Jem *is* Jerrica, folks, but Rio doesn't know she is. You keeping up?] The harlot!

Anyway, it turns out that the owner of the rival resort is criminal linchpin Eric Raymond. He's waiting in the wings to take Franklin's troubled resort off his hands and, suddenly, it all falls into place. Jem is convinced that him and The Misfits are behind all the terrible accidents that have been happening at the resort. Immediately, Jem and The Holograms decide to throw a benefit concert at the end of the week in order to raise funds to pay for Franklin's mortgage arrears.

But when a ski-lift accident nearly kills Jem, and embarrasses Rio when she's rescued by Swenson yet again, Franklin decides he's had enough. A wager is proposed. A ski race between Jem and The Holograms and The Misfits, winner takes all. If Jem wins, Franklin wins both ski resorts. If The Misfits win, Eric gets everything. Naturally, Jem and The Holograms agree to the challenge and are soon working out, getting ready for the big race. Also naturally, The Misfits are unfit heifers and plan to win the only way they know how... by cheating.

Soon it's time for the ski race and I kid you not, it's action all the way for the rest of this episode.

One-by-one, the Holograms are bumped off by The Misfits. Clash attaches a rope to Aja's ski-suit, winding her. Kimber skis into a booby trap. Shana ends up floating down an icy ravine, headed for a waterfall.

But the worst is reserved for Jem. After Roxy thumps her in the ear, Jem is soon led down the wrong ski-path. To celebrate, Clash smashes her cymbals together and... cue dramatic music... triggers an enormous avalanche. [I always remember Tommy Boyd on The Wide Awake Club ruining the suspense by joking, "Avalanche? But I haven't even had breakfast!"]

And, oh blimey, if you think that's about as bad as it can get for Jem, think again buster. Don't you just hate it when you manage to escape an avalanche by hiding in a cave which just so happens to be inhabited by a particularly nasty grizzly bear?

"But wait a minute!" I hear you all cry. "Can't Jem call Synergy to project a super amazing hologram to save the day?"

Well, that's exactly what Jem thinks, but just when she's about to call for help, the grizzly claws at her and sends one of the Jemstar earrings flying. But Jem is sooooo completely not worried, she has two earrings after all. The universe breathes a huge sigh of relief but then shrieks in horror when Jem realises that the other earring is gubbed, thanks to the elbow she took during the ski race. For a few seconds, it looks like Jem is going to end up as truly outrageous dinner.

But help is on the way. Rio has heard Jem's screams and is on route to save her. His timing is impeccable and, in a truly truly truly nailbiting scene, he arrives on the scene just in time for the grizzly to block Synergy's holographic projection from the one remaining Jemstar earring. Jem is now Jerrica!

Fortunately, Rio's being too much of a purple-haired dunderhead to care much, instead choosing to prove he's still the main man by taking on the grizzly using only the amazing powers of his fists. Luckily, in the scrap, Jerrica manages to find the remaining Jemstar earring and calls Synergy for help. Rio transforms into a monster that wouldn't look out of place in an episode of Doctor Who, Jerrica transforms into Jem, the bear runs off and Jem gives the least convincing explanation for the sudden appearance of Jerrica known to man.

Needless to say, there's a happy ending for everyone involved in the story [except for Eric Raymond and The Misfits, of course] and it's all to do with a huuuuuge secret that's been hiding in them there hills all along. Franklin's money worries disappear in a silvery flash. And more importantly, Jem and Rio patch things up, as they always do and continue their illicit affair for the remainder of the series.

Some people are thick, I'm used to it!

My favourite billboard advert recently has been for Stonewall's wonderful anti-homophobic bullying campaign. I loved those billboards because they were so in-your-face and yet so matter-of-fact. The message? Some people are gay and there's fuck all that anyone can do about that. There's no sense in fighting about it, just get used to it, etc. Brilliant.

There were two huge billboards round the corner from my house. I'd see them on my way to/from the local Morrisons for my messages and I'd wonder, "how did they decide where to advertise? Did Stonewall give each town in the country a likely homophobia rating and only the high scoring ones got billboards?"

Apparently not everybody shares the same enthusiasm for the campaign. [Now there's a surprise!] In fact, 54 predictable people have gone and complained about the campaign to the Advertising Standards Authority. And 54 predictable people have failed to have their complaints upheld. Ha, get over it!

7 numpties complained about it being inappropriate to be seen by children. Er... isn't that the whole point of it? Others complained about it being "particularly offensive to Christian and other religious groups". Uhm, hello? I could understand it if the posters said, "Jesus was a big fat fairy. Get over it!" but they honestly didn't! All they did was state a fact. Or are you objecting to even the word "gay" these days?

Seriously, anybody who complained about this campaign is, officially, a dimwit.

Talking about those pesky Christians - and dimwits, for that matter - another reason I like the Stonewall campaign is because the billboards look so similar to that "Keep The Clause" advertising campaign we had here in Scotland, way back at the turn of the millennium. Not that I was a fan of the "Keep The Clause" campaign or anything. It was revolting and evil, make no mistake. But I like how the Stonewall campaign piggy-backs on the "Keep The Clause" colour scheme and turns it into something positive. I like to think they chose it deliberately to piss off Brian Souter.

In case you're wondering, Brian Souter is a cretinous pock-marked millionaire, one of Scotland's richest businessmen and... yes, you guessed it, a Christian - of the born again variety, no less. Him and his witch of a sister, Ann Gloag, bankrolled the entire "Keep The Clause" campaign back in 2000, bought off the editor of the Daily Record newspaper [which I will never *ever* forgive for the part it played in the whole fucking KTC mess], created a right old moral panic of gargantuan proportions, then balloted every household in Scotland asking them if they wanted their kids to be taught "gay sex lessons" in the classroom. You see, if they scrapped Clause 28, that's exactly what was going happen, guaranteed.

It was awful.

One afternoon in Stirling, me and my boyfriend were told we were "disgusting" by a gaggle of KTC campaigners. We reacted by grabbing their pamphlets and throwing them on the ground in disgust then flouncing off in mock-camp [okay, not mock] horror.

Every day there was an endless "nature or nurture" debate in the press. World War III erupted on the "Keep The Clause" web site message board, with the gays in one corner and the bigots in the other. Random bible extracts and threats of murder and other acts of violence were the usual arguments against any modicum of sense. A friend of mine retaliated (and single-handedly got the board closed down) by posting pornographic stories on the site. Ha.

Never mind, eh? The whole campaign was a waste of money in the end. The clause got repealed. The editor of the Daily Record got sacked. Stagecoach share prices plummeted. As for Cardinal Winning, the other staunch KTC campaigner, well... he just died.