The worst album covers ever

I usually ignore forwarded E-mails.

Let's face it, they're normally a load of rubbish. Like chain letters promising me I'll die in a motorway pile-up if I don't pass it on [I won't, you know], or those stomach curdling reminders that I'm a really lovely person [I'm not, you know]. For some reason, however, I decided to look at this one and wouldn't you just know it, I'm glad I did.

"The worst album covers ever."

Oh my word, they're not wrong. Here are a few of my favourites.

Now, I'm desperately trying not to be mean, but really. This record was out in 1971, evidently before there were proper graphic designers living in the universe. It was also before they invented pop videos. We should probably be thankful for this. If anyone had a face for a radio, it's this guy.

At first I couldn't decide what type of music he would have made. Was it classical concertos? God-loving prayer songs? Gay discopop? [Secretly, I was guessing/hoping/praying it wasn't the last one]. But it turns out that he's a folk singer, he's still a huge star in his native Germany and he's minted.

The weird looks are all down to him having Graves disease and, believe it or not, he doesn't look half as bad these days as he did back in the 70s. I'm glad there's a happy ending, aren't you?


Woo-hoo! What is it about Millie Jackson that causes her to trample over any and all sense of taste and decency? Admittedly, I knew very little about her so I did a search on Google and it turns out that she's released about a million albums and she sings a weird mix of disco R&B porno-pop. One of her singles is called "Butt-a-cize". I'm not kidding.

I don't care about the saucy song lyrics. I prefer to concentrate on the bad-hair day she's evidently having, the 80s sweat band which looks like something straight out of a Jane Fonda's workout video, the strategically placed crystal ball and the evidently shocking future she's just psychiched up for herself.


Well somebody is excited about having a birthday ::cough:: party and it sure ain't Julie.


Yes folks, this is what crusaders look like. They wage holy war with their songs about Jesus and what it feels like to wear matching shirts, ties and trousers.


Oh bless. It's Joyce! Ha, of course I am kidding. We all know that this is really Maureen Lipman. Or not. Either way, isn't she just the bee's knees?

To tell the truth, I fell in love with this woman instantly and embarked on a mission to find out all about her. It turns out that she's really called Joyce Drake, and she's the wife of a preacher. [Go figure!]

Over on the Bizarre Records web site, the woman is a freakin' heroine. And rightly so. If you'd like to, you can even buy heaps of Joyce gear, from mugs and teddy bears to a nice skimpy Joyce thong. Yay!


Oh bloody hell! Millie Jackson is at it again, this time with her album, "Back To The S**t".

No your eyes do not deceive you. She's sitting on the toilet! She's doing a poo! Her pants are around her ankles!

Isn't the flower arrangement lovely, though?


Poor Freddie Gage. All his friends are dead! Fine people they were too, but were lost forever to the cancer that is drugs and general all-round debauchery. God bless their souls, now that they're uhm... high up in heaven.

According to the album sleeve, Freddie Gage is "the founder and creator of PULPIT IN THE SHADOWS. A ministry dedicated exclusively to youth victims of drug abuse". The web site tell us even more. "As a teenager he was the infamous leader of one of the most notorious street gangs in Texas. He was born again and delivered from a life of crime, drugs and gangs."

Now, that's what I call holy shit.


Oh my. It's The Braillettes! What a stupid name! Ah, so two of them are blind? That's okay then!

Wait a minute, it's still a stupid name! Who produced this and were they shot dead as a punishment?


First of all, please let me apologise profusely for what I am about to say.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (deep breath) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (x 10 million).

What. the. fuck. Is it wrong of me to wonder, "yeah, but is she any good?"

I would laugh all day about this if it wasn't so tragic. Truly a miracle of God, they say. Truly proof that God is a c*nt, more like.